have you seen this girl?

for years i have known this girl.  at times she has been my closest friend and at times my worst enemy.  we have fought major battles, struggled and but still she remains in my life.  i would like to be done with her and not even remember that i ever knew her, but in her reflection i see myself.  
she is blessed with so many friends, but has always felt lonely.
she is loved by many, but never thinks she will find love.
she has always been enough, but never felt enough.
she has always been worthy, but never felt worthy.
she tries so hard to be beautiful on the inside, to make up for the outside.
she loves children, because they love her unconditionally.
she has always been told she had the prettiest eyes, but wondered if they saw anything else.
she talks to me daily.  endlessly.  and never stops.
she drives me crazy.  
slowly i am ending our relationship.  she has just been around for so so long, it is hard to see my life without her.  matter of fact, i still do not see anything but her when i see me.  but slowly the chains are breaking free.  and she will be gone.  this girl has held me back from all my dreams, from all my wishes, from all my desires.  
when hours go by and i do not think about her, it scares me.  it scares me to know that i can make it without her.  that i can be independent of her.  and be okay.  i have hidden behind her my entire life and if i completely let go, i have no more excuses.  
slowly but surely, i am letting her go.  and accepting that i can make it without her.  by letting her go, i know that i can:
run marathons if i wanted.
accept the fact that i can be loved.
feel like i can be enough.
and that i am worthy.
that i can be beautiful (or at least wear a whole lotta make up and try...)
let people see me, all of me.  know me.
  
photo courtesy of rbd
*over the past year i have lost around one hundred pounds.  and i hope to reach my goal weight by september, that way i can give megan fox a run for her money (okay, i am kidding...).  i started this blog to post updates about my weight loss.  but much like my personality, i have become sidetracked along the way, and written about everything else but that.  
i just want to be real.
authentic.  
this blog (especially the pictures) post was one of the hardest things i have ever done, but in being real comes freedom.  and i am done with her.  there are some people i have met along this journey that only know me as what you see now.  as much as i would like it to remain that way, that is not real.  this has only been me for a short while.  that other girl has been me my entire life.
but i got over her.  and she had to go.  
and slowly.  i am learning to let her go.
learning that when she tells me i will never be good enough, pretty enough or just enough...that she is wrong.
i am done with her.
see ya.
later.

4 comments:

Cookie said...

I have seen that girl and I love her, I also love the woman she has become. You are so real and so sweet, (I know, I hate when people say that about me too) but truly you are worthy, beautiful, honest, trustworthy and good. You are a good friend. You are special and God does have a special plan for your life.

Alicia said...

I love you! You are an inspiration! :)

John and Sarah Clore said...

wow thanks so much for sharing that. there is so much freedom in being vulnerable. such an inspiration. it even made me tear up a bit--and i'm not even pregnant!
~sarah

christy waller said...

Ok-make a girl cry first thing in the morning!
I know both of these girls and love them both! I have seen you almost everyday during this journey. I am so proud of you and know that you will not go back. It has been inspiring to see your transformation both physically and emotionally. Proud of you for writing this post.I know it was hard. God blessed our family when we met Mith Jethika. HE has a plan for you. I know you trust and believe Him so it will all be just fine!! xoxo

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