ism's

we've all got 'um. i like to call them "ism's" as does my friend mel. i tend to think i have more "ism's" than others, but hey, who's counting.

me. i'm counting.

i am maternal to a fault. i am a fixer. i am a healer. i have a degree in special education and nanny for a living, go figure. it's who i am. it's who i'll always be. that's why a lot of people love me, that is why people are drawn to me. i want to draw you in, make you feel at home. at home with me, at home in my home. peace. i want my presence to influence that in your life. if you know me, you know that i speak the truth.

as good as those things are, and i am aware enough to know that those are good traits to have.

all of those traits are my downfall too. when used poorly things disintegrate around me and i feel hopeless and in despair. if someone i love tells me they are upset or appear to be upset, i instantly go to that place to try and fix them. i want to take the pain away. i want to take the hurt away.

sometimes.

sometimes you just want to wallow. have a bad night. just be frustrated. just be upset.

but while you are wallowing, i am trying to figure every way possible to take away the hurt. do i need to buy you something to make it better? do i need to be funny to make it better? let me fix you. let me be a sounding board. let me hug you til you hurt. talk to me til you can't talk anymore. but please don't ask me to go away. please don't ask me to calm down. because in my heart of heart, my intent is good. my intent is selfless, my intent is love. my intent is you. and making your heart better and healing you hurt.

i am learning.

slowly.

that i can't fix everything. i can't make everything better. and i should not try so hard. the people that love me are not going to go away because i can't heal their hurt or band-aid their wounds. but i want to, i want to so badly.

slowly.

i am learning that somethings just need time. and sometimes instead of hovering, silence is better. silence and letting them know that i am always here. no matter what. that doesn't change me, it doesn't change my intent.

but in the end, the resolve is so much better. is so much easier.

s l o w l y

i am learning that it is okay to love hard. it is okay to give it all til you got no more. it is okay to want to make it better. but as much as all that is okay, silence is what is needed. it doesn't mean they care about me any less. it doesn't mean they love me any less.

i am here always. and then be done.

you may have not fixed the problem jessica. but when the problem works itself out, they are still going to love you just as much even though you couldn't fix it.

ism's. i've got 'um.

but everyday i am learning to be a better me.

s l o w l y