feeling like a girl.

be forewarned this might get sappy. i apologize in advance. but...it IS my blog. i can get sappy if i want, okay? OKAY? got it?
uh huh.
a lot of you that read this know me. really know me. and you have known me forever. (aren't you LUCKY?)
my entire life. i haven't felt like i was really who i wanted to be. i always wanted to get there. i always strived to be her. but i always failed. somedays i felt like i was getting really close to being her, but never arrived. i even tear up as i write this, because it hits so close to home. (but since i just put a whole heck of a lotta eye make up on, i shan't cry. go back in my eyes tears!)
as i grew to become a young adult and then teenager. i needed to feel wanted. i needed to feel needed. i was wanted. i was needed. but i still felt like i was always striving to be better.
oh to feel like a girl.
i wanted to be her. i wanted to be pretty. i wanted to feel like a girl. i wanted to be loved unconditionally. i always felt like i was loved, but i felt like i was never good enough. that i was loved because that is just what you do. but i still was never good enough, pretty enough or just enough. i was a disappointment. actually, i knew i was.
children have always been drawn to me. and i them. they love you unconditionally. they are raw. they are real. so that is what i did. to find her. i dove in head first and loved. i made a sick child's life better just by rocking him and singing to him. holding him when the vitals were not looking good. and loving him. i made that sick child's siblings feel like they still belonged even though their life had been turned upside down. but what they did for me, out weighed anything i ever did for them.
this pattern continued. and still does today. daily i strive to make the lives of three little ones better. daily i strive to instill values in two little boys that will one day become men how to be good and kind. and as i hold their three week old sister, i know there will be plenty of life lessons down the road that, hopefully, i can gracefully teach her how to be a little lady.
and when i come home at night. after i have done what i know i am good at, i still just wanted to find her. i wanted to be her.
i think i might have. i am beginning to feel like her. the girl i always wanted to be. someone who is more than just "oh, you take care of kids!" "oh, you are miss jessica?" someone who is that, but a girl. a girl who feels needed. a girl who feels wanted. a girl who feels loved.
i have always wanted to feel like a girl.
today. i know how she feels.
and i think i will do her proud.

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