roy.

i have pictures to edit, children to watch, blogs to write and dinner on the stove - but i am paralyzed.  i can't seem to get it together.  my daddy is sick again.  he is in the hospital and he is sick.  this time is different from the times before, it seems worse.  

last night they had to put him in restraints.

my daddy.  in restraints.

a gentle giant, tender but strong.  the kindest man in the world.  in restraints.  he was trying to get out of bed repeatedly which would only lead to a fall.  again.  

and watching it all, she was there.  steadfast and strong.  his wife, my mom, who has been his biggest fan since the day they laid eyes on each other at the skating rink almost fifty years ago.  she is tired, she is worn down, but she is strong.

today when i talked to her she said, "oh jessica, i'm okay.  you know i don't need much sleep.  i am fine. it's okay.  it's really okay. we will just take it one day at a time.  i am not sad, i am not down.  it's okay." in that moment, i was so proud of her.  she should be sad, she should be mad.  but instead of wasting her time on the negative, she has risen to the occasion and tested "in sickness and in health,"  words that are often overlooked by "you may kiss the bride."  

as she rises to the occasion.  i am paralyzed.  paralyzed with the unknown.

will he be there on my wedding day?  to give me away?

daddy, can you hold on just a little longer?

will i ever get to tell him that i am going to have a baby?

daddy, can you hold on just a little longer?

will he get to hold my baby one day?

daddy, can you hold on just a little longer?

will my child get to know the man that i most admire?

daddy, can you hold on just a little longer?

this is what is on repeat in my head over and over.

and i try.  i try.  to think about the time...

he and i recorded mom singing, "these are little tarts that make you fart" over and over again.  and then laughed at her when she was so mad at us.

his pants fell completely off when he was carrying a watermelon up a hill (in front of our entire church).

he carried me to bed nightly until my feet drug the ground.

he would let me paint his toenails any color, any time.  and then wear it until it wore off.  (he also only wore closed toed shoes).

i would be mom and dad's waitress for dinner and when i would hand them the ticket, whatever price it was, he would always pay. dinner was usually less than a dollar.

for my birthday as long as i can remember he would give me $42 because that is my favorite number.  (when he started doing this, i immediately thought that i should have made my favorite a higher choice).

he would let me play with his hair and fix his hair and let me pretend like i was betty john (betty zahn was my moms stylist) as long as i wanted.

when i see him, even currently, he always tells me that he is praying for me and that i am a winner during the course of my visit.

he would let me have a sleepover any time i wanted with as many girls as i wanted and never ever complained that we were being too loud or that we were bothering him.  and we were loud and bothered him, i am confident.

and for all my thirty four years of life, i have never, ever,  not once - seen my daddy loose his temper.  never.

and every night after dinner until he started getting sick, he would do the dishes and clean the kitchen for my mom.  she never asked.  he just did.  nightly.

what a man, what a man, what a mighty fine man...