woops, i did it again.

****this blog is written by a girl that is attending tanning bed sessions four minutes per day and will gradually increase to ten. If you think that's horrible, stop reading. if you are going to send the writer of this post a message saying how bad tanning beds are, don't. I know already. If you want to be entertained and feel more normal, keep reading. 

Yesterday I started tanning for the wedding. Because I like a mix of a little too tan and too much make up, class meets trash. 


To help achieve my look, the tanning bed is required. 

I know it's bad. Unhealthy. Not good. I know I know. But my only other options are:

1- spray tan
But what if it rubs off on my write dress that day and then I have a white dress with brown around the edges. That's not a look I'm into. Also, we are going to Hawaii the next day. I need a real base. A real tan so I can continue in Hawaii sans burn. 

2- fake tanning lotion 
And this is a good solution except I always put too much on my face and then have orange palms and fingernails, splotchy ankles and white arms. It's really not the best look for a bride. 

So the solution is gradually tan my entire body evenly. hence go to the tanning bed. 

But here's the thing about the tanning bed. I love it...but I hate it. 

A. It's four minutes. I despise driving ten minutes, taking my clothes off (two minutes) and then laying there for FOUR minutes only. Not even time for a nap. What a waste! 

B. Every time I am completely undressed to the last sock, it hits me that I have to go to the bathroom. So then I lay there the whole time needing to go potty (I am a nanny just let me write potty, it feels so natural and right).

C. I lay in fear that I forgot to unlock the door to my room and someone is going to walk in and there I am. Naked. So I end up sticking my head out every other second just to make sure it is still closed. Usually I just throw all my clothed in front of the door, so just in case someone opens the door, the will see my clothes, shut the door and run away embarrassed. 

Oh lord!  Do you think this has ever happened???

D. Why don't the walls in tanning salons go to the ceiling?  What if people are peering OVER the walls into my own personal tanning room? What if there are cameras and they are seeing me in my birthday suit?  Gulp. 

E. What if the tanning place got robbed and we had to evacuate? Naked here. I would have to run out in the middle of green hills naked as a jay bird. That would be...terrible. 

F. What if the bed forgets to click off and I end up going to sleep and I lay there for an hour? Or more? Ouch, ouch, ow, ow...  And then I have to convince people I am not stupid. Right. 

G. When you lay down in the bed it is so cold you are laying in ice so for over half of the time I am freezing, especially when I accidentally hit the mist button. Hello goosebumps. 

H. The music. It's the loudest most horrible pop music ever and even if you turn it off, you can still hear it blasting from the twenty other beds. 

The things I am going through for beauty and love. So on my wedding day, when I walk down the isle with the perfect tan, instead of saying "oh look how pretty her skin is..." you can lean over to your neighbor and say, "poor thing, do you know what she had to go through to achieve that perfect brown color?"

Happy wedding Wednesday y'all!

P.S. Once upon a time I was tanning and when I got up to put my clothes on, the door was open. Then and there I died. 

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