taking care of me.

its harder than it should be. i have never been good at this and have fought with myself my entire life to do better.  and i do.  then i don't.  i feel the best about me when i am in the "let's take care of jessica mode" but then it goes away because it is an effort at every turn.  its not natural for me.

i think about others to a fault.  yesterday, i was telling my boss how when i go to the grocery, i make sure that i get the appropriate things for brad's lunch and for our dinner, but items that i need and want, i just don't buy.  i would rather spend the money on the things brad needs and wants and sacrifice myself.  which is silly, i am at the grocery store and i can't even take care of myself when it comes to simple choices such as brad like sugar free yogurt and i like yoplait so i get sugar free and just don't eat it.  it is really absurd.  just get the yogurt you like too, jessica.

my chosen profession, after graduating with a bachelors in special education has been to nanny.  to take care of children that are not my own.  also in being a nanny, you get the privilege of taking care of the family as a whole.  what you do for the parents child(ren) benefits everyone and makes their life easier.  also, its a profession where you are not in the equation any longer, if you are needed you go.  a dream job for me.  i am needed.

getting my hair done, i will put it off for any reason because that is taking hours out of the day that internally i think i should not be spending on me.  

working out?  fuuuugetabout it.  how selfish can you be?  as selfless as i know i truly am, its also my biggest downfall and frustrates me to no end.  the feeling that i feel leaving the salon with a fresh new cut is like no other, and leaving the YMCA after a bout of cardio leaves you fresh for hours.

yet i don't do it.  because it's selfish.  {except its not.}

but the past two weeks i have decided i will do it.  improving yourself and making you better for those around you is a part of life and growing and that is what i desire to be: better.  

for the past two weeks, i have taken time away, although sometimes it KILLS me, from things i would rather be doing for someone else and went to the gym.  i should say, back to the gym.  i'm not a complete couch potato, y'all.  and my hair - i got it done last month and am going to do so again this month.  i am.

taking time away from brad or the ones that i love to in turn take me better is just going to make every thing around me better.  because it will make me happier with me.  

that's where it all has to start.  so one day at a time i am going to lace up those shoes and take time for me.  without a cell phone to see who needs me - just me and the hum of the machines and i will get better.  and i will do better.  

because i am able and because i can. (and because she ain't as young as she used to be...)
p.s.  i bought myself a new toothbrush today AND some yogurt.  watch out!  i think i am going to call tomorrow and get a hair appointment.  i know!  just call me selfish.  please?  wait...no don't.  i might spiral out of control. (insert smiley face here...i crack myself up)

thank you for the therapy session and good day.

1 comment:

Alicia said...

good for you! this is a good plan!

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