i want you to need me. i need you to need me.

my entire life i have had a strong desire to be needed.  i knew i was loved and wanted, but as i was growing up i remember doing things so i knew i would be needed.  maybe i am normal, and everyone feels the desire so strongly, or maybe i am just weird.  there's that.  but needed, i have always been.

i remember while i was in hair school for a year, i worked at GAP.  as much as everyone was great that i worked for and folding clothes clearly i do not mind (read nanny), retail was not a job where i felt needed.  i mean, i felt like i better show up for my shift or i was gonna get fired kinda thing, but needed, no.  i am confident without me these day GAP is still rolling right along, jeans are being folded, clothes are being hung, the world still spins madly on without me showing up every day.  not needed, needless to say, i HATED retail.  when i found out a few of my managers had there degree in retail management i 1) thought they were crazy and clearly were undecided until their last course 2) see number 1.  

nothing like a little judgement, jessica.  i mean, i was prancing around with a degree in special education and not using it one bit folding those jeans, at least they were using their degree.


needed.  i didn't feel needed there, so i was thankful it was just a season in my life and not what i was called to do.

i could go on and on and on and tell you warm stories about being a nanny.  maybe some not so warm stories as well.  but yesterday as i was driving home and i looked back in the rearview mirror and i saw that lil bit had fallen asleep, something hit me - you are needed, that is why you do this.

needed.  she needed me to unbuckle her seat and gently get her out of seat onto my shoulder and carry her in the house as quietly as i could.  she needed me.  she could not have made that transition without me.  i felt needed.

and as i laid her in her bed and gathered her binkies with a promise that i would go look for her pink one and covered her up with her favorite flower blanket flipping the light off and gently as i shut she door, she raised her little head from sleep and said what she says every day without missing a beat, ''night night caca, i wuv ewwww."  

that, my friends, is better than folding jeans any day.


Allison said...

i seriously love this. thought provoking, real, and human.

jessica dukes said...

thanks allison, i appreciate that.

Jamie - Snow In December said...

Aw. I love this post... your little girl is precious, and YES MA'AM, she needs you! And isn't it wonderful??

PS: You'll be folding lots of jeans in the years to come so you'd better get to liking it! ;0)

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