check. it: review of the bachelorette

little ricki can do a mean cartwheel. man, i wish i could do that.

date card:
ryan - one on one date.  
"if you treat a woman like a queen, then she will treat you like a king"  good line ryan, good line ryan's pastor.  
commercial break: i like ryan.  he seems cool.  but what's up with his hair?
i like that the mom picks him up in the tahoe and then they go live real life (with cameras, of course...)  good job, ABC. now let's see if this boy can cook.  
good job ryan so far, being cool with everything. ahhh, he said "taken away on a jet..."  #fail
commercial break:  brad is fast forwarding.  i have no thoughts.  
i have to type really fast.  slow down DVR!
ryan is a cutie. emily is a hottie. girl can wear a dress. i think he is getting a rose, p.s. seems like there needs to be some music in the background or something during the conversation at dinner. i am not feeling it.  because what i feel counts or not. oh music, there you are. i am feeling better already. great question about little ricki, ryan! way to be assertive and asking the big questions about parenting. 
and then back at the house...
date card:
nate, tony, michael, john, jef, stevie, charlie, kyle, chris, aaron, kalen, and the two aleeeehando boys that are not going to make it to the end so there is no need for me to learn their names.
back to our date.
he gets a rose.  little kiss, and i am loving the southern banter between the two.  i would, i'm from clarksville, tennessee.  and then they dance to live music and whisper sweet nothings in front of a crowd of googling folks.  
commercial break:  good job, good date.  they like each other.  
and here comes some kalen trouble, like we didn't see that coming...
miss piggy's hair looks great, when are she and kermit going to make it official, i mean, COME ON.  i think jef is going to rock this date.  charlie is nervous, come on are have to represent.  i am feeling for the guy, poor fella.  good job charlie talking to emily about his insecurities and his speech troubles and way to handle it like a pro, emily. 
commercial break:  brad is telling me that he felt a burning pit in his stomach for a 
big mac earlier today.  and i am nodding.  i have never had a big mac.  
but i could go for a frosty about now. 
emily is hot.  i think we favor.  twins really.  thank god the muppets were on this date because the guys were strugglin...
jef just proposed to miss piggy.  crap.  i liked him for emily.
charlie is nervous but he did so good.  way to go, nashville.
emily really can't sing but is singing on national television, that takes some courage.  go girl.  and i like your pink skirt.
commercial break:  oh kalen.  
emily and jef have a talk.  he's a sweetie with david lynch hair.  but i like him.

date card:
joe with bad hair.

back to the date with thirteen fellas.  kalen just said, "its game time" yeah, helicopter dude.  game time probably isn't the best choice of words there, dude.  stevie doesn't like kalen and told him so.  the little boys are starting to fight.  oh snap.  
rose for the thirteen on one date goes to jef.  he's cool.  i wanna be his friend and i like his grey skinnies.  i need a pair of grey skinnies and green and hot pink...

date with joe:  
headed to west virginia.  not digging joe's outfit at all.  

back at the house:
kalen is about to get dunked because he is being a bully and the dads are gonna drown him. go dads. #checkit

commercial break:  brad is telling me he is going to start saying #checkit to me.  
this should turn out well. he's also reading over my shoulder.  dude, check.  it.

again, back at dinner with joe.  i think he might be going home.  i am really smart and never read reality steve.  never.  i feel bad about emily having to tell joe there's no rose on this date, that has to be hard.  it'll be okay joe, at least you are gonna be invited to all the reunion shows.  i think they have a reeeeeal good time at those.  emily had to watch the fireworks alone.  #checkit

rose ceremony time:  this takes sooooo long.  so long.
i'm not digging emily's dress.

arie and emily get a little one on one time in the swing.  he's a race car driver, remember?
ryan gives emily a gift.  he seems a little...hmmmm, i dunno.  you see it too?  a seven page letter?  seven pages?  not necessary. tony has to listen to ryan gush.  #awkward #checkit
i like emily's earrings.  green is my favorite color.
brad told me i should get emily's bathing suit from her date with joe.  i laughed out loud.

OH KALEN.  are you outside alone whining.  cry me a flipping river.  call the waaaambulance. or better yet  - #checkit  

f.i.n.a.l.l.y.  chris harrison.  never been so happy to see that guy in all my life.  
headed home:
aaron - the biology teacher.  no chemistry with emily.
kyle - its okay.  at least you got let go early, dude.  bachelor reunion shows.  remember?

next week:
arie, dolly, chris, emily says ain't,
the egg breaks, a dad is sad.

and i'll be watching.


Anonymous said...

This cracked me up!! I take notes during the show, and this is almost exactly what it would have looked like...I'll need to post those one week. I did a recap too! I'd love for you to check it out. =)

Keep Shining,

jessica dukes said...

i read yours last week, it is so so good, its like for real not a joke like mine. i actually just took notes and then posted it. because i was cracking myself up. haha

thanks for reading and posting. now how can we get the hook up with ABC? haha

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