where i come from.

if i think about it for more than a minute it makes me incredibly sad that brad will never know know my father.  

sure he knows him, but he will never know him.

he had early onset dementia by the time we got married and in the past two and a half years since then his mind has slowly gotten worse and worse.  i think i know that god gave me a glimpse of he's the one and your daddy approves early on though just by my dad always knowing brad and when brad wasn't around he would always say "where is brad?  how is brad?" even before greeting me when i would even consider showing up at home without that guy.

when i think about where i come from, who makes me who i am?  i immediately think of jesus and because of him i am who i am.  but i learned his heart by watching my parents first truly have a heart of jesus.  anyone who may read this post and know my mom and dad would affirm this without question.

they always love without bounds.
they never meet a stranger.
they would give the shirt of their back for the comfort of a stranger.
my mom has prepared meals for more people that i could even begin to count, and still says to this day she does not like to cook.  i do not believe her.
i watched them have a daily quiet time.
i saw first hand my dads ragged prayer list that he had had for years and years and years that was longer than any list should be, except a prayer list, and i watched him pray over everything on that list daily.  my husband making that list the day i was born.

i could go on and on, but because if them i am who i am.  if i am even half the woman my mother or father is, i will have considered my life a success.

i can think of no two better humans than to come from.
and god picked me to be their daughter.
some would call that lucky, i believe i'm especially blessed.

all about peggy!

if you read this post, you know last april and the months to follow were hard.  we lived a lot of life last april.

funny how life is sometimes though?

in june after that may, after dog sitting for a poodle for some friends and falling in love (with that dog, WE were already in love.  kiss kiss, love love), we decided it may be our turn at dog ownership.  brad wasn't exactly sold, we loved the dog we had for a month or so, but did we really want a pup?

i knew we needed a dog. one day while carousing on facebook (one of my PET PEEVES is hearing people saying or having facebook conversations aloud, anyway.) i saw this little ugly black poodle on facebook marketplace.  the picture wasn't great, but she looked just like the little poodle we had dogsat. i get really obsessive and excited about things.
you knew this?
and immediately contacted the owner of this pup and asked if she was still available.  she was.
i emailed brad in a hot mess panic and told him i had to work that evening, but he needed to go see her.

see how that works...? 

he needed to go see her. i knew we would go to bed that night having a dogter.

that was june. this was last week.

peggy has completely stolen our heart, if you hang around on my instagram you see her often.  she is the best girl ever.  she's just chill and loves love.  and we love loving on our girl.

we often talk about how god really just brought her into our lives because he knew we were still a little sad and we needed her in our family.  we did need her.  and every day when she wakes up on the pillow on her back right between us, there's no way not to start your day happy.

woof, woof, bark, bark,
jessica

i heard grace, i heard mercy...

**day six of the blog every day in may challenge is here, and today's prompt is...if you couldn't answer with your job, how would you tell someone what you do?  i mean, come on that's hard!

i know i saw this every post lately, but for real, this one almost got me.  if anything, these prompts are making me think a lot.  not that i go throughout my day not thinking, but you know what i'm saying...

if someone was to ask me "what do you do?"  
here's how the conversation goes...
ever.y.time.

oh, i'm a nanny and personal assistant.

oh really!?  that's cool.  how many kids?

twins boys that are seven and then they have a little sister who is three.

what do their parents do?

i tell them what their parents do...

then i also tell them i have a degree in special education, sometimes i add i went to hair school.  for some reason, i find these two things crucial to this conversation nearly every time the "what do ya do?" questions comes up.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

that being said, i would have to say, my job aside, i am a caretaker to my core.  when i moved to nashville, my two best friends (roommates) and i had monday night parties every week, every week for two years i cooked dinner for whoever showed up.  sometimes it would be ten, sometimes forty.  i worried about my musician friends that were nashville transplants who were away from home.  i thought a home cooked meal once a week and unconditional love, a place to just be themselves, to just be loved and accepted might just be a weekly saving grace.  for two years, we saw so many people that we call friends now, some we will never see again, walk through our back door.  cute boys, not so cute boys, weirdos, girls that talked to much, unlovables...

i heard many conversations in these weeks fade in and out, 

i heard kindness and love and acceptance...

i heard grace.

i heard mercy.

and every week we made our house their home.  

i lived for these weeks.  it's just who i am.

Source: Uploaded by user via Marci on Pinterest

now that i am married to brad, i love to make sure he is fed, he always has what he needs.  i love to give him cards, and make sure his basic needs and met and then so much more.  i want him to feel loved well by me, and feel like he is the luckiest man in the world being married to me.  (i have a lot of short comings and i am positive this is not how he always feels!) but my desire is for him to feel loved to the core, to feel spoiled and never want for anything.  for him to go to bed happy and fulfilled.

when i know that a friend is hurting or sad, i want to do whatever i can to make it better.  pray with them, make them a meal, love on them just a little more, let them know that i am all in...i care.

so it's natural, i happen to fall into the career of being a nanny.  a family that i can do all of the above for...and happen to get paid as an added bonus.

i have so so many faults, but my nature is nurturing.  and if you know me...really know me, you probably have felt suffocated by my love on more than one occasion...

that being sad, i'm having everyone over for dinner...come one, come all!

i'm cooking!

monday night?

amanda, you inspire me.

well, moving on to day five of the challenge! and i haven't missed a beat.  and it's sunday y'all and i am blogging.  it's like a sabbath miracle!!! we won't talk about how...i showed up three days late to this party and had to play catch-up.  and let's just hope that i stay on time or ahead.  

good for you, great for me.

today was hard for me, i have a lot of good friends around me, and some great blog friends that inspire me, as well. but after thinking about it for a while, i kept coming back to amanda.  she blogs over at thecelises.blogspot.com and honestly, all i have to do is type a "t" in my search box on my computer and her blog address appears.  here's what she looks like, and that guy hanging all over her, is her husband, danny.  we like him too.

they just became new parents to sweet arlo, who's a month old now and is the cutest thing ever with a full head of hair.  really, you should check him out.  if you love some squishy new babyness, he's your guy.

amanda and danny have a story that really touched my heart.  after three miscarriages, one being arlo's twin, she finally carried sweet arlo to term and blogged all about her pregnancy growing sweet arlo,   using humor and laughter all along the way. and although their story has been anything but easy up to this point with three losses, you can't help but think arlo is one special little boy to be born to amanda and danny.  

also, girlfriend can decorate a nursery like no other.  

so amanda, you inspire me.  

for never giving up.  

and pressing on...even when it was so so hard.

go check her blog out and tell her i sent you and while you are there, you WILL NOT be able to help yourself as you ooohhhh-ahhhhh all over baby arlo and his sweet little face.

and also, how awesome is arlo's name?  i mean, COME ON.

her blog:  www.thecelises.blogspot.com

*who inspires you?  there are so many others i could name, i really wanted to do a top five blog list, but i think that's another day...and i am a rule follower to my core.  i'm that exciting folks.  for real.

noah row your boat a shore...

this weekend it rained. and then it rained some more.  

and then...

some more.

i had the kids (that i nanny) from thursday to sunday because their parents took a little adult road trip. saturday after the soccer game was cancelled because of the downpours, we decided to load up and go to toys r' us.  

here's the thing about being the nanny.  fun all the time.

except when a seven year old is not nice to their brother.

then i can totally turn on the 'ms. jessica' voice.

this boy loves a "plush" - if you called it a stuffed animal (which i always do), he corrects you everytime.

brad loves wrestling. they love wrestling.

ugh, anyone else notice that this 'bob' went horribly wrong?  too many layers, need to blend a little more?  anyone?

and can i just tell you that i sometimes i am amazed by how well brad loves me.  when i have to work, he always stays with me, plays with the kids, talks to them, gets on their level.  gives them time.  which gives me a break if i need one, or lets me throw a load of laundry in the wash.  my favorite in the above picture:  sister and her hot dog bun smile.  she only eats hot dog buns at sonic because that's cool.

this picture describes their relationship to a T.  it kinda makes me throat hurt because it tells such a word picture.  that little one loves him.  LOVES him.  and brad loves him right back.  

when we have kids, i'm a goner...

between you and me?

as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.

last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant.  something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true.  i was going to be a mother.  someones mom.  brad was going to be a dad.  a daddy.

and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby.  a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours.  i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me.  i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness.  saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing.  i would not get a belly.  nothing.  i was empty.  brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was.  i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.

that was last april.  a year ago.

tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken.  and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother.  i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn.  for it to be our turn.

Source: abeautifulrippleeffect.com via Emma on Pinterest

when i think about the process.  a baby growing in my belly.  brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay.  makes me smile, makes me laugh.  then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.

what i know for sure.

i have hope.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pugster Jewelry on Pinterest

i have hope still.  hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.

i'm thankful for my husband,
great friends,
my job,
good doctors,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.

will you pray for me on tuesday?  pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.

thanks friends.  i needed to get that out.

(boston:  runners, friends and family, your city.  you are in my prayers)

no words needed.

not gonna lie, i just got finished watching the bachelorette and i can't get dolly's song "from here to the moon and back" out of my head.  such a sweet song and provided an even sweeter melody for the blog as i begin to write.

brad and i were in georgia for the weekend.  we had no plans in nashville and decided a get a way was in order.  i love road trips, and i love road trips with just brad.  the road trips where you talk and talk and talk or sometimes the ones where you sit in silence for minutes and hours and just enjoy each others presence. i have always said you know someone well when you can be quiet in their presence.  you know, no fillers?  no words needed.  just be.  those in between moments of silence sometimes are my favorite.

so with that i will show you our trip in pictures.  no words needed.










from here to the moon and back.  dolly's sweet words are still hanging out in my head singing to me, and offers such a sweet reminder of love.  it was a good weekend, this past month has been a really tough month for me and it was nice to get away with my only cares being locating the nearest starbucks and keeping up with the kardashians my camera.  


i feel filled up as i start this week off with tuesday.
you?

i am not a morning person and my parents came over at 6:45 am. {yawn}

friday morning, brad had just left for work - it was 6:30 am and i was not planning on telling him that i was going to sneak back into bed and sleep til ooooooohhhhhhhh 8:30... i am not a great sleeper and was just looking forward to a little more sleep, but then i noticed that i had missed a call from my mom.

my dad has parkinson's disease and dementia associated with the parkinsons.  he JUST got out of hospital for having gallstones and pancreatitis so when she calls at six in the morning, it might be an emergency.

i called her back and she said in her southern voice full of life: 

"jessica, we are at shoneys in nashville!  come join us!"  

"oh mom, it's 6:30...i just can't."

i mean, i am a go with the flow kinda gal, but it WAS 6:30 and I DO need my sleep.  give a girl a break. so she said:

"well, we will just come over then.  we'll be there in five minutes."

here's where i tell you, my readers ---- please feel sorry for me and let me whine just a little...please?  it is 6:45 and my parents are coming over.  i am sleepy.  i have pajamas on.  and want to not talk and go back to bed.  so i did what any good daughter would do whose parents decide to visit her at sun up.  put a pot of coffee on, straightened the pillows on the couch, made the bed and threw on some clothes and combed my hair.

i didn't comb my hair.  i was just seeing if you were paying attention.

my mom likes to talk.  i do not like to talk in the mornings.  sooooooo we talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked some more.

then i made my parents let me take their pictures.  i figured if you are going to visit me at the break of dawn, if i say SMILE!, you better smile.

and seriously!  when did my parents become cute?  because they just are.  i mean, come on.  they are pretty precious.  i mean, i know they are MY parents, but give it to me.  they are cute.

two facts:
1.  my mom should have been an actress.  i promise you if she moved to hollywood tomorrow she could get a job in a feature film.  she just has IT.  i did not inherit that gene for i do not have IT.  i perform for three kids daily, that's my best audience.  
2.  my dad, since he has dementia - yes, it is sad, but he is suddenly gone from a man of little words to a man who is rather chatty and FUNNY.

and on that note, i was shooting away and he just struck me as funny.  he was standing so straight and soldier like and doing everything i was telling him to do.  "dad, put your chin down.  now look at me.  dad, me.  look at me."  and i started DYING laughing because, look at him!

"mom, move out of the picture real quick!"  

"dad, look at me!"

"jane, why are y'all laughing at me?"
"what's so funny?"  as his thirty five year is literally sitting on the ground laughing.  i am mature, hear me roar.
"you are dad! because you're cute!"

it was not a morning that i had planned but a morning that i will always remember.  it was delightful and glorious.

and i have the pictures to prove it.

four.

all of my life i have dreamed,

that somehow love would find me.

now i can't believe your standing here.

if beauty is all in the eye, of the beholder,

than i am beholding true beauty.

-geoff moore

four months, and every day i am proud to be your wife.

proud of the man you are.

i believe in your hopes.

i believe in your dreams.

my life is better because of you.

i love you.

bye bye 2009!

today i got to thinking as i was picking up one of the umpteen toys (for the umpteenth time) that the fellas got for christmas. and as i was picking up and straightening i got a text from the mother of the first children i nannied for...just needing some jessica re-assurance that everything was going to be okay. after we exchanged a few texts, i could sense her calm. my life might not have been this life if it had not been for she and her family and the gift we were all blessed with the day she had henry.

i can not ever imagine loving a child more than i love him.

for my entire life since i was a little girl, all i have wanted to be was to love someone completely and to be a mother (and an OBGYN...). and it is funny how life takes it's turns and such and you always end up exactly where you need to be...

i have not been blessed yet with my own child, but everyday for years, there has been children in my life that i have loved and get to love on and rear them as if they were my own. support their parents in their decisions and be the closest thing i can be to a parent. i could not imagine my life any other way.

this year

i have learned that it is okay to be venerable and give my heart away. let someone else in and love someone like i have always wanted to be loved. love hard. love with everything i am and never take one second for granted.

this year

i did something i never thought possible for me. or never thought i would want to think possible for me. i ran 13.1 miles continuously one day in april.

this year

change happened. and it was okay. it was good. it is better.

this year

i have taken some really good picture. really good.

this year

i have become more and more of who i have always wanted to be. maybe i'm a little slow, but sometimes i think the timing is just right...


this year

has been good. 2009 will always be a special year to me. and i will always look back on this year with a thankful heart and gratefulness.

here's to an even better 2010!

hip hip hooray!!!