between you and me?
as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.
last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant. something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true. i was going to be a mother. someones mom. brad was going to be a dad. a daddy.
and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby. a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours. i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me. i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness. saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing. i would not get a belly. nothing. i was empty. brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was. i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.
that was last april. a year ago.
tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken. and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother. i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn. for it to be our turn.
when i think about the process. a baby growing in my belly. brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay. makes me smile, makes me laugh. then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.
what i know for sure.
i have hope.
i have hope still. hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.
i'm thankful for my husband,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.
will you pray for me on tuesday? pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.
thanks friends. i needed to get that out.
(boston: runners, friends and family, your city. you are in my prayers)