mary, mary / how does your garden grow?

one of my favorite blogs in the last few months is ashleyann's.  i had found her blog forever ago, then lost it and found it again.  she inspires me how she speaks (errr, writes), and how she truly enjoys building a home.  she's also a photographer, so sign me up.  her captions are gorgeous.  i kinda want to be her friend, like BFF --- so maybe some of her everything will rub off on me.  

you should read her blog, if she isn't your favorite too.

recently she got chickens and she and her dad are building a coop for the little chics.  makes me miss my daddy and all the fun we had together building and being out in nature, always his assistant, even when all i did was complain because it was sooo hot, or enjoy our project of the day immensely.

growing up, i spent a lot of time with my dad.  he always gardened organically before organic was cool.  we would start the garden in the basement under  a bright light until all the plants were ready to be moved outside and then we would start all over.

Source: ilikegardens.tumblr.com via Rhonda on Pinterest

we would pick blackberries together, and then he would let me sell them at our local convenient store for $8.00 a gallon and let me keep the money.  knowing good and well, that it was he that did the majority of the work.  he always built me up and praised me.

we built a deck together once, and he let me design it around a tree.  so there would be natural shade at all times because the center of the deck was a huge tree.  knowing that years later, the tree would have to be cut because of growth, he still let me do it my way.  i feel confident that today i could build a deck with the best of them.

and you know, as much as i know i complained and whined, because i am a girl, was a teenager and you get it...i NEVER ever remember my dad saying a cross word to me.  never.  he was happy to be with me and i knew it and felt it.  he gave me time. time when he would have done the job at hand without me in half the time or less.  i genuinely felt like he needed me.

i learned so much from him.

just this year, brad and i planted a container garden for the first time.  i feel like that is such a piece of my dad with me as i watch the seeds take roots and turn into vegetables that will be on our table soon.  makes my heart happy.  (let's hope they grow...)

Source: kararosenlund.com via Bethany on Pinterest

if you've read my blog for a while, you know my dad has dementia and and has to have around the clock care.  he often makes no sense but then sometimes he seems to have light behind his eyes and he's with it.

tuesday i had surgery and my parents came up to check on their girl, and before my mom could get my dads walker out of the back of the car, before she could help him swing his long 6'3'' body out of the car, he saw me and said in his whispered tone, "how's your garden?  what did you plant, girl?"  

i was never more proud than to tell him, we had green beans, squash, bell peppers, japelenos, tomatoes...

and the reason i planted those things, is because everything i knew about a garden, i had learned from him.

here's what you should have taken away from this run on blog:
1.  read ashleyannphotography.  she's amazing.
2.  yes, i did have surgery on tuesday and today i am still recovering.
3.  i planted a garden this year.  and will keep you updated about it's progress.
4.  progress.  if there is none, i will so go buy the vegetables at kroger and tell you they are fresh out of my amazing garden.
5.  just kidding.
6.  maybe.
7.  i am proud to be my parents daughter.
8.  i am starting a 15 day juice cleanse in the next few days (since i can't workout for two weeks). that has nothing to do with anything other than...pray for me.  that's two weeks and a lot of juice.

Source: betterrecipes.com via Amy on Pinterest

9.  let the good times roll.

between you and me?

as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.

last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant.  something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true.  i was going to be a mother.  someones mom.  brad was going to be a dad.  a daddy.

and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby.  a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours.  i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me.  i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness.  saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing.  i would not get a belly.  nothing.  i was empty.  brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was.  i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.

that was last april.  a year ago.

tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken.  and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother.  i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn.  for it to be our turn.

Source: abeautifulrippleeffect.com via Emma on Pinterest

when i think about the process.  a baby growing in my belly.  brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay.  makes me smile, makes me laugh.  then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.

what i know for sure.

i have hope.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pugster Jewelry on Pinterest

i have hope still.  hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.

i'm thankful for my husband,
great friends,
my job,
good doctors,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.

will you pray for me on tuesday?  pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.

thanks friends.  i needed to get that out.

(boston:  runners, friends and family, your city.  you are in my prayers)

hello from room 4228.

i started writing this blog while visiting my dad in the hospital last week,  the original post date was to be wednesday, seeing that was the day i was writing it...  but then the physical therapist came in two hours after surgery and she weighed one hundred pounds soaking wet, and dad weighs one hundred eighty - dry as a bone.  and she thought it would be a good idea to take him for his first walk in seven days.  

needless to say, i decided sitting and writing this here blog might not be as beneficial since i needed to supervise this girl take my unsteady dad on a stroll.  lord help, i was nervous.  i looked at my aunt after he was upright and said, "does this make you are nervous as it is making me?" she nodded her head, while we never took our eyes of of dad.  and he did it, he walked out of the room and then turned around and walked back to his bed, he had a walker and a little bitty physical therapist as his aid...but HE did it.  

it's a interesting experience being on the other side.  my whole life, my dad has been my cheerleader, giving me the atta girls any time i looked his way, and always telling me i was a winner and that he loved me.  dealing the hand of encouragement whenever i needed it, or even didn't - always acknowledging my successes and watching me succeed.  and as i took those baby steps toward those goals, i always knew i could look back and with a sparkle of proudness in his eye he would be cheering me on, except that's been me this week.

"you are doing good dad.  wow, dad, you are really doing great!  your balance is so good, you are awesome."  he needed to hear those words and know that he was a success, that he is doing it.  that he is healing and getting better.  and with me being proud of him, i could tell it made a difference in that moment.

when mom left on thursday to go home for a quick shower, dad asked ten times when she was coming back.  after nearly fifty years of marriage, she is his constant and he needs her by his side.  after four months of marriage to brad, i get it.  i got why i might have been in that room, why my aunt might have been in that room, but it was still empty because mom was not there.  and when she came back and she said, "hi baby" as she bent over to answer the never ending phone, his cheek graced her arm and he leaned in just to feel her touch and cried like a newborn baby because suddenly the room was full again.

dad is home now and still healing, surgery as is life, is just harder on him having advanced parkinson's disease, but when you are as strong as my dad,  life can hand you lemon after lemon and all that does is make the lemonade that much sweeter.

this was my life according to instagram last week.  i missed my friday post, so you get it on monday.

lucky you.

kids, my hot husband, my sweet dad and a bon iver concert thrown in for kicks.