joy comes in the morning.

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this may challenge is almost over, and my fingers are tired.  i think i may have gotten my blog mo-jo back though, if there is such a thing.
today's prompt was react to this term:  letting go.

previous to last april this might stumped me.  but then the joys of early april came and the sorrow of late april went and i learned about letting go more than i ever wanted. sure i had to "let go" of that dream to meet that perfect guy, finish college, get married the day after, have ten kids by the time i was thirty...a long time ago, but that was not reality in the first place.

the reality i was faced with when the nurse called me and said, "well, you are still pregnant but you are miscarrying your baby..." made me let go.  it forced what was rightfully mine out of my grasp. letting go.  i had to let go of that dream, that although i only knew that baby in my tummy a short time, of what s/he would look like, that dream of what they would become...so many dreams.  demolished.

but in letting go i remembered that joy comes in the morning.

Hold on my child joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight

and you know what?  eventually it did.


*song lyrics by bill gaither (my daddy would be so proud)

all about peggy!

if you read this post, you know last april and the months to follow were hard.  we lived a lot of life last april.

funny how life is sometimes though?

in june after that may, after dog sitting for a poodle for some friends and falling in love (with that dog, WE were already in love.  kiss kiss, love love), we decided it may be our turn at dog ownership.  brad wasn't exactly sold, we loved the dog we had for a month or so, but did we really want a pup?

i knew we needed a dog. one day while carousing on facebook (one of my PET PEEVES is hearing people saying or having facebook conversations aloud, anyway.) i saw this little ugly black poodle on facebook marketplace.  the picture wasn't great, but she looked just like the little poodle we had dogsat. i get really obsessive and excited about things.
you knew this?
and immediately contacted the owner of this pup and asked if she was still available.  she was.
i emailed brad in a hot mess panic and told him i had to work that evening, but he needed to go see her.

see how that works...? 

he needed to go see her. i knew we would go to bed that night having a dogter.

that was june. this was last week.

peggy has completely stolen our heart, if you hang around on my instagram you see her often.  she is the best girl ever.  she's just chill and loves love.  and we love loving on our girl.

we often talk about how god really just brought her into our lives because he knew we were still a little sad and we needed her in our family.  we did need her.  and every day when she wakes up on the pillow on her back right between us, there's no way not to start your day happy.

woof, woof, bark, bark,
jessica

on being kind.

day 8 of the blog every day in may challenge is a piece of advice you have for others.  

my piece of advise for you is...be kind.

love one another well.  think before you speak.  and always remember you never know what someone is going through, or what is going on in their lives.  being kids just may save someones life.  after all, it's not hard to be kind.

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just last week as i was able to get back on the treadmill for the first time in two weeks, i wrote about that here, i was moving slow, walking slow just trying to get in the groove and i thought to myself, i needed to be more aware and more kind...even in my thought process.  because USUALLY when i am at the YMCA i am BUSTING it because i know i have a long way to go.  if i see someone who appears healthy moving slow, walking slow on the treadmill, machines, whatever, i always THINK 'they really need to bump it up...i mean COME ON.'  and then last week as i was walking at a steady slow almost fast pace, i thought to myself.  YOU ARE THAT PERSON JESSICA.  

be kinder.  

in your thoughts.

in your actions.

fears. what makes me most afraid.

day seven of the blog every day in may challenge is here.  one week.  i feel like i'm back in college meeting writing deadlines pulling all nighters but turning the paper in on time.  and i always turned those papers in on time...sometimes they were crap.  but the words were there, and on time.
so goooooo me.

fears.  what am i most afraid of?

loss.

loss comes to mind first.  something bad happening to brad or him being in an accident that changes our lives.  fear, that fear is tangible and real as i typed that up above i couldn't think about it too too long because we only have today.  when i was a nanny for a baby fifteen years ago, often i would accompany his mom to his two hour long trek to occupational therapy and back home again.  he had the world against him as far as meeting those OT [occupational therapy] goals but every day, he tried and every day one of the best therapist i have ever watched in action steadily worked with him watching his every move. one day she said to us {that i will never, ever forget} when talking about her husband in a wheelchair, "every day i think, i can always become like him, but he will never be like me again."  makes you think.

when i get in my head to much and think about fears or sad things, i always think of something dr. phil said on his show one day talking about fears, "what if you spent your entire life being paralyzed with fear and none of these fears ever happened to you?"  good, so good, dr. phil.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

today is my mom's birthday.  may seventh.  she lives with one of my biggest fears every day.  as i mentioned above one of my biggest fears being something happen bad to brad, my husband.  every day she lives with parkinsons disease and dementia.  she has a clean bill of health, but my dad can't be left alone. she is his nurse, caregiver, friend, sitter and wife.  every day she wakes up to her normal.  which is helping my dad get out of bed, getting him groomed for the day, the list goes on and on.  she doesn't complain, she is positive, she is a warrior, she is tired.

but today.  is her birthday.  mom, i honor you.  i am so glad that i was born to you.

and even though i am pretty sure being born thirteen years after my brother, i might have been the biggest surprise of her life, she gave me the best she had every day.  even on those wiry teenage days when i didn't like a thing she had to offer, the older i get and have become i know what i always knew...what a blessed woman am i to have her as my legacy.  one day i hope to be as good of a mother as she was to me.

and she set the bar really high.

recap of the week on morrison lane.

+ + + monday, after all the sadness in boston, i found this picture on pinterest of boston all lit up.  what a wonderful reminder than in the darkest moments a light still shines.

+ + + i wrote about hope in dark times.  {and i have hope}

+ + + then there was our new york trip recap, the memory of spending the night in the airport might be one of my favorites yet.

+ + + then i had a run-on blog about my dad, ashleyannphotography.com, gardening and juicing for 15 days. four things that make me happy.  i haven't actually started the juice cleanse though.  get back with me on that.

+ + + friday, i showed you snippets into my instagram account.  it's always a good time over there, wanna join me? you can find my feed at morrisonlane.

boston and west, texas --- you're still in our prayers and on our hearts.

between you and me?

as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.

last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant.  something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true.  i was going to be a mother.  someones mom.  brad was going to be a dad.  a daddy.

and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby.  a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours.  i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me.  i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness.  saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing.  i would not get a belly.  nothing.  i was empty.  brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was.  i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.

that was last april.  a year ago.

tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken.  and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother.  i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn.  for it to be our turn.

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when i think about the process.  a baby growing in my belly.  brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay.  makes me smile, makes me laugh.  then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.

what i know for sure.

i have hope.

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i have hope still.  hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.

i'm thankful for my husband,
great friends,
my job,
good doctors,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.

will you pray for me on tuesday?  pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.

thanks friends.  i needed to get that out.

(boston:  runners, friends and family, your city.  you are in my prayers)