mothers day with our mamas.

the thing i fail at mostly (that i will address today) is taking pictures when our families are together. on one hand, YAY!, that i am spending quality time unfiltered with our family without distractions, on the other hand BOO!, not captured memories.  memories, just not captures through the lens.  as my parents age, i need to do better.  

i told brad this mothers day DO NOT let our parents leave without a picture.  if we get one, that is okay. it's better than none.  and gosh darn it, i am happy to report we even took more than one.

my mom likes to pretend she just can't take a good picture.  

truth? girl was born a star.  no one wears a hat this big if you're shy.  

truth?  she saw a lady at hobby lobby last weekend getting stuff to make a steeplechase hat and she decided then and there she was making one too.  just because. 

brads parents and brother were able to come to nashville from knoxville for the weekend and then my parents came to nashville sunday and we all celebrated together.  i dreamed about days like this.

blurry? yes.  picture? yes.  memory? yes.

lil bit and her brothers and their parents came over to see everyone and they rifled through dad candy. he has an IV drip of salt water taffy.  for real.  when they left, he was still on the look out...worried they were going to take more of his candy he was "saving for the future..."  [dad has parkinsons disease and dementia]

it was a good day, made even better because we had both of our families together.

and just because they are cute.

here's my dog baby daddy.

ugh, mother? is today mothers ugh day?  how 'bout i just smile real big for your present?

if you are a mama, a want to be mama, or a mama to be, a nanny, a grandmother, and aunt, or anything that a mama represents.  we come in all shapes and sizes.  hope your mothers day was full. full of good memories that you will savor forever.

happy mothers day to you.

fears. what makes me most afraid.

day seven of the blog every day in may challenge is here.  one week.  i feel like i'm back in college meeting writing deadlines pulling all nighters but turning the paper in on time.  and i always turned those papers in on time...sometimes they were crap.  but the words were there, and on time.
so goooooo me.

fears.  what am i most afraid of?

loss.

loss comes to mind first.  something bad happening to brad or him being in an accident that changes our lives.  fear, that fear is tangible and real as i typed that up above i couldn't think about it too too long because we only have today.  when i was a nanny for a baby fifteen years ago, often i would accompany his mom to his two hour long trek to occupational therapy and back home again.  he had the world against him as far as meeting those OT [occupational therapy] goals but every day, he tried and every day one of the best therapist i have ever watched in action steadily worked with him watching his every move. one day she said to us {that i will never, ever forget} when talking about her husband in a wheelchair, "every day i think, i can always become like him, but he will never be like me again."  makes you think.

when i get in my head to much and think about fears or sad things, i always think of something dr. phil said on his show one day talking about fears, "what if you spent your entire life being paralyzed with fear and none of these fears ever happened to you?"  good, so good, dr. phil.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

today is my mom's birthday.  may seventh.  she lives with one of my biggest fears every day.  as i mentioned above one of my biggest fears being something happen bad to brad, my husband.  every day she lives with parkinsons disease and dementia.  she has a clean bill of health, but my dad can't be left alone. she is his nurse, caregiver, friend, sitter and wife.  every day she wakes up to her normal.  which is helping my dad get out of bed, getting him groomed for the day, the list goes on and on.  she doesn't complain, she is positive, she is a warrior, she is tired.

but today.  is her birthday.  mom, i honor you.  i am so glad that i was born to you.

and even though i am pretty sure being born thirteen years after my brother, i might have been the biggest surprise of her life, she gave me the best she had every day.  even on those wiry teenage days when i didn't like a thing she had to offer, the older i get and have become i know what i always knew...what a blessed woman am i to have her as my legacy.  one day i hope to be as good of a mother as she was to me.

and she set the bar really high.

colorado, mom, and loving one another...thoughts on a sunday.

first of all, i want to apologize for the insensitivity of my last post.  when i posted it, i had not heard of the colorado shootings that had just happened hours before.  that compared to loosing a cell phone and not being able to post on instagram, well...not comparable.  what happened in colorado is absolutely horrible, sad and tragic.  and honestly, something i think about most times i go into a theatre, that very thing that happened.  its something i have thought about my entire life.  i have watched the news and interviews with the parents and siblings and CAN NOT imagine the heart ache they feel today and will continue to feel because if this senseless act of violence.

we went to see the new batman movie at 8 am on saturday morning and in my mind the entire movie was the victims,  it was an unnerving feeling of being there seeing the same movie and thinking how they were just like me.  i am so so so sorry this happened.  to say this world needs jesus more than ever is so true.
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then yesterday i was talking to my mom on the phone and she was talking about her cousin who is battling cancer.  she sounded tired from her day which included all sorts of things but the biggest was being at the hospital with dad, loving on him and being with him.  watching the one she has loved for fifty plus years go down hill before her eyes.  watching him be in pain and suffer, she has been constant and true to him her entire life, but these past few years "through sickness and health" has well, been more than just four words.  she is tired and she keeps pressing on.  she has every reason to throw in the towel and say, "i just can't do this..."  she doesn't complain, she bathes dad with a smile, changes his clothes while making jokes and is always upbeat.  when i was talking to her last night she said with weariness in her voice, "you know jessica.  i have it made compared to some people.  it's like i'm driving a cadillac."  when i hung up the phone with her, i just cried as i was telling brad what she had said.  what a woman.  what an example.
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brad and i were talking this weekend and i kept telling him, if we loved one another like jesus called us to, this world would be so so different.  the bible says plenty of things, but more passages than anything is about love.  "love one another."  if we just loved one another, like really really LOVED them.  who cares if you are a different religion, hard to love, gay, straight, mean, not attractive...whatever the reason would be to "not love that person because it isn't easy..." love them anyway.  think about it.  if we treated everyone with love.  EVERYONE.  how different would this world be?  if we didn't get all caught up in judging others because they might believe a different way or be a different way...or who cares.  if we just LOVED people.  because really, we are all the same.

and that, my friends, are some sunday thoughts.
what are you thinking about today?

hello from room 4228.

i started writing this blog while visiting my dad in the hospital last week,  the original post date was to be wednesday, seeing that was the day i was writing it...  but then the physical therapist came in two hours after surgery and she weighed one hundred pounds soaking wet, and dad weighs one hundred eighty - dry as a bone.  and she thought it would be a good idea to take him for his first walk in seven days.  

needless to say, i decided sitting and writing this here blog might not be as beneficial since i needed to supervise this girl take my unsteady dad on a stroll.  lord help, i was nervous.  i looked at my aunt after he was upright and said, "does this make you are nervous as it is making me?" she nodded her head, while we never took our eyes of of dad.  and he did it, he walked out of the room and then turned around and walked back to his bed, he had a walker and a little bitty physical therapist as his aid...but HE did it.  

it's a interesting experience being on the other side.  my whole life, my dad has been my cheerleader, giving me the atta girls any time i looked his way, and always telling me i was a winner and that he loved me.  dealing the hand of encouragement whenever i needed it, or even didn't - always acknowledging my successes and watching me succeed.  and as i took those baby steps toward those goals, i always knew i could look back and with a sparkle of proudness in his eye he would be cheering me on, except that's been me this week.

"you are doing good dad.  wow, dad, you are really doing great!  your balance is so good, you are awesome."  he needed to hear those words and know that he was a success, that he is doing it.  that he is healing and getting better.  and with me being proud of him, i could tell it made a difference in that moment.

when mom left on thursday to go home for a quick shower, dad asked ten times when she was coming back.  after nearly fifty years of marriage, she is his constant and he needs her by his side.  after four months of marriage to brad, i get it.  i got why i might have been in that room, why my aunt might have been in that room, but it was still empty because mom was not there.  and when she came back and she said, "hi baby" as she bent over to answer the never ending phone, his cheek graced her arm and he leaned in just to feel her touch and cried like a newborn baby because suddenly the room was full again.

dad is home now and still healing, surgery as is life, is just harder on him having advanced parkinson's disease, but when you are as strong as my dad,  life can hand you lemon after lemon and all that does is make the lemonade that much sweeter.

this was my life according to instagram last week.  i missed my friday post, so you get it on monday.

lucky you.

kids, my hot husband, my sweet dad and a bon iver concert thrown in for kicks.  

i love my mom because...

1.     she loves people.  
she loves people and let's them know.  she loves the unloveables.  she is kind to a stranger and will smile at anyone who looks her way.

2.     she loves my dad.
she has always respected my dad, through thick and thin.  when she said her wedding vows, she meant them and has life has lived out those words.

for better or worse,

in sickness and in health...

life has handed my dad a case of the worse in the last couple of years and mom has been right there by his side.  being his nurse, his companion, his faithful wife.  what a good example of love she is to me.  wednesday i spent the day with my parents and as mom was helping dad into the car, and helping him walking around and just being what he needed...i thought about trust.  

trust.  how amazing it is that they have each other.  he can completely trust her.  i can't imagine the elderly that are in failing in health that don't have a constant, some one that they can completely trust to be by their side.  

her life took a major turn when dad got sick, and my busy body mom had to change everything about how she works.  now she stays home with dad and does everything he needs...

sometimes i have to laugh, because all those years when she would beg dad to go places with her and he said no, now she says, "c'mon roy, we are going to......"  and he has to go...

she is a true example of love.

3.     because she loves her children.

meaning me and bubba.  she loves us.  she is proud to be our mom.  and she tells us that and shows us that, and tells others.  when god chose her to be our mother...we were the ones that were truly blessed.

4.     because she loves my husband.  

before she really even knew brad, she said, "well, honey, we love brad because you love him."  personally, i think he is pretty easy to love...but just hearing that they approve and even better love him, makes their daughters heart happy.

time and time again, i have seen this saying...i think i might have made some kind of art picture every year i was in elementary school, with my scribbled handwriting on it, "if moms were flowers, i'd pick you."

so this year mom, i need to to tell you...

if moms were flowers...i'd for sure pick you.

over and over and over again.

i love you.

jane bought me a new john deere tractor.

today dad had an appointment with the memory clicic at vanderbilt to address the recent concerns with his parkinson's disease.  i met mom and dad early, so i could go with them and my brother.  {that was the plan at least, then my brother bailed.  he had to work or something.  loser.  and it is his birthday too.  you are really not a loser, bubba --- if you are reading this, i think you are rather grand...i even wrote a blog about you once called bubba.  the proof is in the pudding.}

long story short (when has THAT ever happened?), after a very thorough exam starting with simple questions like "can you spell 'world' backwards, mr. morrison?" (i didn't make eye contact, because i was sitting there thinking D...L...uh....) "mr. morrison, what is 100 minus 7?"  then "what is 93 minus 7?"  again, i looked at the floor, because i know the answer but it might take me a second.  they asked him to write a sentence, any sentence.

"jane bought me a new john deere tractor."  

was his sentence.  that's when i wanted to throw my hands back and start singing, "thank god, i'm a country boy." i resisted simply for fear they might ask me what 93 minus 7 was and then ask me to spell 'world' backwards.  but i love that sentence.  it is my favorite sentence ever.  

then we saw the doctor; well the senior resident.  his name was dr. charles clarke.  he is from west virginia.  he is a country boy. he got his undergrad at west virginia, then went to ohio state.  he does not like the vols.  he married his high school sweetheart. he does like tennessee, he likes the weather.  his dad has a john deere tractor that cost $20,000 to mow the grass.  when his dad bought it he said, "are you crazy?"  he knows what bush hogging is, because he is from the country.  with the exception of his social security number and his wife's name - mom covered all her basis.  she got his history.  

and he thought this meeting was about dad. bet he was tired after an hour with us. i was tired after an hour with us.  

then, dr. brian thompson came in and met with us along with dr clarke.  two doctors for the price of one, i call that a good deal. he used me as the bunt of his jokes several times, and i politely laughed because i am polite.  and i didn't want to kick him in the shins because i might get in trouble and it would have interfered with mom getting all his information.  

dr. thompson did not marry a tennessee girl, he married a red headed girl from alabama where he was six years previous to his move to tennessee in 1992.  she still loves him and is with him.  you go, red headed gal from alabama.  then he used several very large doctor words speaking to his co-hort and mom let it go at that.  at least we know he is married to a red head.  mom did get the opportunity to tell him that when she met dad her hair was blonde and that she likes my hair better blonde.  he laughed and said "and look what he's [dad] done to you."  she has a full head of lovely grey hair now.  

when it was all said and done and after we [mom] got their histories, they came to the conclusion that with the last two 'spells' that dad has had where he has fallen and then a rapid memory decline are bouts of delusion - triggered by something being off in his body - B12, infections, urinary tract infection, pretty much anything.  because he has parkinson's and is older he can not recover from a setback like a fall or being sick like a healthy person without parkinson's disease can.  it takes him longer to recover.  he said there is a small amount of dementia going on, but no signs show that he is in the beginning sages of alzheimer's. so, over all - it was a good report.  he will go back in a month or so for a full day of memory work and they will test him on all sorts of different activities - to see what part of his brain is being mostly affected and then they can measure the decline or steadiness of dad's brain.  

does your brain hurt now?  mine does.  

1.  after that we looked like the three blind mice trying to get out of the maze of vanderbilt.  i was the leader, that might have been the first problem.  

2.  mom said, "roy, put your cane down."  [dad uses  -carries-  a cane now when he walks, except he carries it and doesn't use it.  helpful.]

3.  dad noticed the back tire was low on their van, and said, "jane, i don't think we can make it home on that."

4.  "roy, USE your cane."

5.  i said, "well, we have to get out of the parking garage, so we can't just stand here and look at it."  now that's some intelligence.

6.  we went and put air in the tire.  dad got out cane and all and supervised his youngest [me] putting air in the tire.  mom supervised dad and myself.  i had a short white skirt on and was squatting, i think i might have gotten hit by the cane a time or two while i was down there.  

7.  "dad, put your cane down!"

8.  the air conditioner is broken in mom's van.  and only one window rolls down.  it was 95 degrees outside and 195 degrees inside the van.  i was in the back with no ventilation.  good thing we were so close to vanderbilt.  for i liked to have died.

9.  the doctors referred to parkinson's disease as 'parkie' like it was their buddy.  kinda guess it is, after all, they are neurologist.  "yeah, that is parkie for ya."  and then they snicker.  

10.  my mom wanted my purse.  she tried to take it.  i tried to give it to her.

11.  i tried to explain twitter to mom.  it ended with me saying, 'nevermind.'  and her thinking, 'kids, these days.'

and that's the latest.  and seriously, thanks everyone for keeping dad in your thoughts and prayers.  it is much appreciated.  after all, parkie's no joke.