fears. what makes me most afraid.

day seven of the blog every day in may challenge is here.  one week.  i feel like i'm back in college meeting writing deadlines pulling all nighters but turning the paper in on time.  and i always turned those papers in on time...sometimes they were crap.  but the words were there, and on time.
so goooooo me.

fears.  what am i most afraid of?

loss comes to mind first.  something bad happening to brad or him being in an accident that changes our lives.  fear, that fear is tangible and real as i typed that up above i couldn't think about it too too long because we only have today.  when i was a nanny for a baby fifteen years ago, often i would accompany his mom to his two hour long trek to occupational therapy and back home again.  he had the world against him as far as meeting those OT [occupational therapy] goals but every day, he tried and every day one of the best therapist i have ever watched in action steadily worked with him watching his every move. one day she said to us {that i will never, ever forget} when talking about her husband in a wheelchair, "every day i think, i can always become like him, but he will never be like me again."  makes you think.

when i get in my head to much and think about fears or sad things, i always think of something dr. phil said on his show one day talking about fears, "what if you spent your entire life being paralyzed with fear and none of these fears ever happened to you?"  good, so good, dr. phil.  
today is my mom's birthday.  may seventh.  she lives with one of my biggest fears every day.  as i mentioned above one of my biggest fears being something happen bad to brad, my husband.  every day she lives with parkinsons disease and dementia.  she has a clean bill of health, but my dad can't be left alone. she is his nurse, caregiver, friend, sitter and wife.  every day she wakes up to her normal.  which is helping my dad get out of bed, getting him groomed for the day, the list goes on and on.  she doesn't complain, she is positive, she is a warrior, she is tired.

but today.  is her birthday.  mom, i honor you.  i am so glad that i was born to you.

and even though i am pretty sure being born thirteen years after my brother, i might have been the biggest surprise of her life, she gave me the best she had every day.  even on those wiry teenage days when i didn't like a thing she had to offer, the older i get and have become i know what i always knew...what a blessed woman am i to have her as my legacy.  one day i hope to be as good of a mother as she was to me.

and she set the bar really high.

1 comment:

Raeven said...

That story about the OT really, really makes me think... and I love it.

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