mothers day with our mamas.

the thing i fail at mostly (that i will address today) is taking pictures when our families are together. on one hand, YAY!, that i am spending quality time unfiltered with our family without distractions, on the other hand BOO!, not captured memories.  memories, just not captures through the lens.  as my parents age, i need to do better.  

i told brad this mothers day DO NOT let our parents leave without a picture.  if we get one, that is okay. it's better than none.  and gosh darn it, i am happy to report we even took more than one.

my mom likes to pretend she just can't take a good picture.  

truth? girl was born a star.  no one wears a hat this big if you're shy.  

truth?  she saw a lady at hobby lobby last weekend getting stuff to make a steeplechase hat and she decided then and there she was making one too.  just because. 

brads parents and brother were able to come to nashville from knoxville for the weekend and then my parents came to nashville sunday and we all celebrated together.  i dreamed about days like this.

blurry? yes.  picture? yes.  memory? yes.

lil bit and her brothers and their parents came over to see everyone and they rifled through dad candy. he has an IV drip of salt water taffy.  for real.  when they left, he was still on the look out...worried they were going to take more of his candy he was "saving for the future..."  [dad has parkinsons disease and dementia]

it was a good day, made even better because we had both of our families together.

and just because they are cute.

here's my dog baby daddy.

ugh, mother? is today mothers ugh day?  how 'bout i just smile real big for your present?

if you are a mama, a want to be mama, or a mama to be, a nanny, a grandmother, and aunt, or anything that a mama represents.  we come in all shapes and sizes.  hope your mothers day was full. full of good memories that you will savor forever.

happy mothers day to you.

fears. what makes me most afraid.

day seven of the blog every day in may challenge is here.  one week.  i feel like i'm back in college meeting writing deadlines pulling all nighters but turning the paper in on time.  and i always turned those papers in on time...sometimes they were crap.  but the words were there, and on time.
so goooooo me.

fears.  what am i most afraid of?

loss.

loss comes to mind first.  something bad happening to brad or him being in an accident that changes our lives.  fear, that fear is tangible and real as i typed that up above i couldn't think about it too too long because we only have today.  when i was a nanny for a baby fifteen years ago, often i would accompany his mom to his two hour long trek to occupational therapy and back home again.  he had the world against him as far as meeting those OT [occupational therapy] goals but every day, he tried and every day one of the best therapist i have ever watched in action steadily worked with him watching his every move. one day she said to us {that i will never, ever forget} when talking about her husband in a wheelchair, "every day i think, i can always become like him, but he will never be like me again."  makes you think.

when i get in my head to much and think about fears or sad things, i always think of something dr. phil said on his show one day talking about fears, "what if you spent your entire life being paralyzed with fear and none of these fears ever happened to you?"  good, so good, dr. phil.  

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

today is my mom's birthday.  may seventh.  she lives with one of my biggest fears every day.  as i mentioned above one of my biggest fears being something happen bad to brad, my husband.  every day she lives with parkinsons disease and dementia.  she has a clean bill of health, but my dad can't be left alone. she is his nurse, caregiver, friend, sitter and wife.  every day she wakes up to her normal.  which is helping my dad get out of bed, getting him groomed for the day, the list goes on and on.  she doesn't complain, she is positive, she is a warrior, she is tired.

but today.  is her birthday.  mom, i honor you.  i am so glad that i was born to you.

and even though i am pretty sure being born thirteen years after my brother, i might have been the biggest surprise of her life, she gave me the best she had every day.  even on those wiry teenage days when i didn't like a thing she had to offer, the older i get and have become i know what i always knew...what a blessed woman am i to have her as my legacy.  one day i hope to be as good of a mother as she was to me.

and she set the bar really high.

dad, dementia and love. (and the best video EVER)

my intent last night when i sat down to write today's post was to give you an instagram dump and a run down of the week, because i know that is REALLY what you want. there were pictures of lil bit, my socks, new boots and probably 5648965 of brad. but i just wasn't feeling it, and then again this morning - i kept mulling (apple cider anyone?) in my head that i needed to do it, but then i couldn't find my cell phone.  still can't by the way... {praise the lord.  i love it when i loose that thing.}

so i decided what's better that to just write what is on my heart.

if you have been following my blog for a while, you know my dad has parkinson's disease. it's a mean, cruel disease and leaves the person in inhibits a prisoner in their own body. my dad has had this disease for almost thirty years. now he has dementia - which is even more cruel. it takes your mind and warps it onto something you are not even sometimes knowing what you are saying is not right, you still say it. sometimes my dad will say something crazy (for lack of a better word) and then look at my mom or myself and say, "am i confused again?"

last week, my parents made the one hour drive from clarksville to nashville to visit me. i made them lunch and we spent some time together. dad has always been a quiet man full of wisdom. my mom, on the other hand, is full of vibrance and can carry on a conversation with the best of them. it was weird last week though, it was kinda like the rules were changed, my dad never stopped talking.

never.  stopped. and most everything that came out of his mouth was a whisper in volume, he had a lot to say. and he never stopped. i was exhausted by the time they left. mainly because i was straining just to hear dad speak and since he never stopped speaking for hours, it was a chore. the other reason being that he said in his confused state "you can't hear.  you keep saying 'huh?'" i would explain to him that the reason i kept saying 'huh' was because he was speaking so quietly and that i could hear just fine! it was him that had the volume issue. and then i would get tickled because here is this man, my sweet daddy, that is accusing me of having the issue here. and then he would want to know why i was laughing at him. this happened times ten.

might as well laugh.

but as much as mom and i were entertained, as time passed, she was getting frazzled. frazzled because he would not just be. he would not be quiet and just be still.  he.  never.  stopped.  talking. my mom was tired, exhausted.  i could tell that he occasionally kinda hurt her feelings too. of course, he would never do that "in his right mind" and even though she knows more than anyone that most things coming out of his endless supply of words these days are that,  just words, i could still tell that some things he said bothered her.

my parents have always been two people to admire. but sitting there on that couch last week as i looked at them, i felt a whole new level of awe of them; but especially for my mother. because love is putting her to the test right now. the better and worse - worse has kicked in and she is passing with flying colors.  my brother and i are especially blessed to call her our mom, but dad is even more blessed that he chose her - nearly fifty years ago at that skating rink barefoot, a rebel with two cigarettes hanging out of her mouth - he saw her.  three months later they were married. and before i was born and since my birth i have watched their love story unfold.

one thing not to be confused about, my dad knew what he was doing when he chose my mom.  because he could not ask for a better wife, nurse and love to daily be by his side.

i'm proud of my mom. i love you.
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and on a lighter note, a year ago today this happened.  make sure you turn the volume up so you can hear this nanny [me] go a little crazy in the background...i am saying through jealous envy "that IS NOT right..." as little bit takes her VERY FIRST steps to misser bwat.  seriously girl.  after all the time we spend together, this is what i get.