between you and me?

as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.

last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant.  something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true.  i was going to be a mother.  someones mom.  brad was going to be a dad.  a daddy.

and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby.  a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours.  i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me.  i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness.  saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing.  i would not get a belly.  nothing.  i was empty.  brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was.  i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.

that was last april.  a year ago.

tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken.  and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother.  i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn.  for it to be our turn.

Source: abeautifulrippleeffect.com via Emma on Pinterest

when i think about the process.  a baby growing in my belly.  brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay.  makes me smile, makes me laugh.  then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.

what i know for sure.

i have hope.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pugster Jewelry on Pinterest

i have hope still.  hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.

i'm thankful for my husband,
great friends,
my job,
good doctors,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.

will you pray for me on tuesday?  pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.

thanks friends.  i needed to get that out.

(boston:  runners, friends and family, your city.  you are in my prayers)

it's not about the orzo.

yesterday when i got home i was in a bad mood.  i like to think of myself as pleasant as pie all the time, but yeah...yesterday i was just foul, i could feel it in my bones.  so if i could feel it, i knew brad could sense it...and all the while i was just thinking, "why am i in a bad mood?" so i stomped around, made dinner, did a load of laundry, and cleaned our bedroom.

then brad told me he didn't want orzo with his fish, which kinda aggravated me too.  because i had planned to have orzo with our dinner.  and the plate was going to be pretty - orzo, creamed spinach and tilapia kinda pretty.

but he didn't want orzo.

like i said, over all a general bad mood.

so i made fish and spinach and the plate was perfect and fine.  then we sat down to have dinner together.  he grabbed my hand and we blessed our food and suddenly it was okay, the bad mood started to melt away as we talked about our day and life.  it was like a calm came over me and the bad mood went away just like that orzo went away when i put it back in the cabinet.  

sure we all have our moments and days and time when we are just not feeling it, but more than anything...when i looked across the table at the man who had just grabbed his crabby wife's hand so we could pray, i was so thankful.  and had no choice but to be.

thanks a lot god, thanks a lot brad.  i was kinda enjoying wollowing.

and then as brad grabbed my hand without missing a beat he said, "why don't you pray tonight?" he always prays.  it was like he was winking at god, saying, "i got this, we'll get her."

so i had no choice but to offer up a whole lot of thanks for the...

hot food that we were about to consume.
warm clothes we had on our body.
roof over our decorated house.
friends and family that love us.
love that i had in front of me.

and
for the orzo that we have in the cabinet for another night.


this heart is thankful.
i almost forgot...