joy comes in the morning.

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this may challenge is almost over, and my fingers are tired.  i think i may have gotten my blog mo-jo back though, if there is such a thing.
today's prompt was react to this term:  letting go.

previous to last april this might stumped me.  but then the joys of early april came and the sorrow of late april went and i learned about letting go more than i ever wanted. sure i had to "let go" of that dream to meet that perfect guy, finish college, get married the day after, have ten kids by the time i was thirty...a long time ago, but that was not reality in the first place.

the reality i was faced with when the nurse called me and said, "well, you are still pregnant but you are miscarrying your baby..." made me let go.  it forced what was rightfully mine out of my grasp. letting go.  i had to let go of that dream, that although i only knew that baby in my tummy a short time, of what s/he would look like, that dream of what they would become...so many dreams.  demolished.

but in letting go i remembered that joy comes in the morning.

Hold on my child joy comes in the morning
Weeping only last for the night
Hold on my child Joy comes in the morning
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight

and you know what?  eventually it did.


*song lyrics by bill gaither (my daddy would be so proud)

a pink balloon.

day 9 - todays prompt is 'A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)'

last week, brad lost someone that was dear in his life and he had made a huge impact in who he is today.  i talk to sister a lot about real stuff.  about life.  of course, i use three year old terms, but she gets it...in those three year old terms. i had told her that mr. brads friend mr. steve went to heaven.  

that same day we had went to red robin to eat.  she asks to go daily, we try and go once per week after ballet.  it's our routine.  sister and myself love us a good routine.  todays balloon was pink.  the deal is...if you use nice manners and are a good girl you can ask nicely for a balloon at the end of our meal.  i'm always teaching.  poor child never gets a break.

pink balloon.  she had waited.

the entire ride home, she had talked to her balloon, we had played with it.  i had swatted it from the front to the back...then without missing a beat as soon as she got out of the car she said, "caca.  i want to send my balloon to mr. brads friend mr. steve in heaven.  i think he is sitting by god and it'll make him happy."

and without missing a beat, but not before i was like "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" because i wanted to capture the moment, i said, "okay, if you are sure."

she was sure.

then we watched that pick balloon go until we couldn't see it anymore.  

and we went in the house to have a nap.

out of the mouth of babes.

between you and me?

as i write this today, i'm not sure if it will ever get posted, but i need to write.

last april, in the cusp of my hand a dream became a reality. i was pregnant.  something i had prayed, dreamed and longed for my whole life had become true.  i was going to be a mother.  someones mom.  brad was going to be a dad.  a daddy.

and then as quick as that, my dream, our dream was shattered when i found out that i was miscarrying our baby.  a baby that would have been born last december, would have looked like brad and been ours.  i can not express to you the feeling i felt that day, the weekend following and the days and weeks after knowing that my body had failed me.  i never will forget one of the more defining moments in my life on sunday night, the weekend coming to an end, darkness.  saturday i had went through the motions and was okay, but then sunday night, as i took off my clothes and stepped in the shower naked, i suddenly became so aware of the fact that my body would not be changing.  i would not get a belly.  nothing.  i was empty.  brad heard me weeping and came in and asked if i was okay, and i was.  i just needed to mourn our loss one last time as the water cleansed my body.

that was last april.  a year ago.

tuesday i am going in for surgery to fix what is broken.  and hopefully, soon after that, this mamas heart will be a mother.  i have mothered more children than i can count; and am ready for it to be my turn.  for it to be our turn.

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when i think about the process.  a baby growing in my belly.  brad freaking out at delivery and needed a IV of coffee to keep him stable while i am assuring him it will be okay.  makes me smile, makes me laugh.  then seeing him holding our OUR bundle of joy, and then taking pictures of our little family... (we will have to find a way to sneak peggy in the hospital) it fills my heart with joy.

what i know for sure.

i have hope.

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i have hope still.  hope that it will be my turn soon, whatever that looks like. and that our turn at being parents is just around the bend.

i'm thankful for my husband,
great friends,
my job,
good doctors,
finally finding the right doctor,
and for this year of pain, growth and healing.

will you pray for me on tuesday?  pray for my surgeons hands - that they will be guided brilliantly to find and repair and make my insides good as new and ready to carry a child.

thanks friends.  i needed to get that out.

(boston:  runners, friends and family, your city.  you are in my prayers)