the bachelor: it's michelle's birthday, y'all.

this just in...last nights episode was recorded on michelle's 30th birthday. and good thing brad swam right up to her and handed her that rose in her itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikini - or she might just have drowned herself then and there. 

now that would have made it the most dramatic season yet, thank you chris harrison.

also, manscaper. honey. put those things away. i mean the saying does say, "if you got em, flaunt em...but you were almost pulling a janet Jackson superbowl 2004 moment several times.  and that would have been embarrassing. 

and melissa, maybe if you would have not talked so much and stirred the pot so much you would have a rose. and we know, we know, we know...you quit your job and spent a lot of money on clothes. 


we know. 


you told us about as many times as michelle mentioned it was her birthday. well, not quite but almost. here's the bright side, now you have a lot of free time and some really awesome clothes, so here's to you!   but i gotta hand it to ya, you left with dignity. i was surprised, there was no drama or anything. 

keltie - you are precious. from your wardrobe to your rap. just all around awesome. why brad let you go, i just don't know. (why brad let you go, i just don't know...look at me...i can rap too!  holla!)  but he's seen the tape now and he's kicking himself for not giving you an extra week. because, you are cool. and yes, you keep to kickin' because some guy is gonna snatch you up.  don't loose heart.

and lastly, girls!  i almost didn't recognize you all in normal clothes!  i mean, you should never judge a book by it's cover but...last week...the dresses.  i felt like it was 1994 and i was looking for prom dresses.  except i never looked at prom dresses or went to prom, or even had a prom for that matter.  


still.

i will not have you, like, obstruct the rest of my night.

- manscaper.

p.s.  as a life long bachelor devotee, if you create drama and bring it to brad or whomever is the chosen male of the episode.  you gonna go home.  happens every time.  so save yo' drama for ya' mama, especially if you want that final rose.

sometimes you can get a whole dozen at wal-mart though for $12.99, so remember that.  because, let's be honest i would not have gotten up at the crack of dawn to write this bad boy had there been no drama on last nights show?

so here's to you.  melissa.  manscaper.  

and michelle, i heard it was your birthday.  happy birthday.