weighty subject.

'get real, tell us something you are really struggling with right now.' said day 19 of the blog challenge.

my weight is a constant struggle for me, from as long as i can remember i have been on a quest to be thin.  to be pretty.  to be... you get the point.  i always felt like when i was thin, i would be pretty and i would have all those things that i lack.

except one time i was pretty thin, and everything stayed the same.  

then i gained it back, lost more again...and so the story goes.  i can not begin to tell you the brain power that i have spent in my lifetime trying to find that sweet spot and then staying there and maintaining.
and sticking to something?  i have an extra special ability to stick to something.  

since late last year i have been focusing on eating clean and become more aware of what is going in my body and committing to exercise hard consistently.  monday (today) i am going to add a morning tabata to my routine and start some carb cycling.  nothing really different than i am doing now, except actually eating more carbs! holla!

i learned a long time ago, after eating only eight grams of fat per day for about a year and loosing a TON of weight that fad diets, crash diets don't work.  eating clean and working out shockingly do.

late last year i half jokingly told brad, "i'm either getting really fat [pregnant] or really skinny this year!"

it is just always going to be my cross to bear, even when i am at that perfect weight and look and feel great.  weight is always gonna be my constant struggle.

and it is my responsibility TO BE responsible for my health and to be the best me that i can be.
i will get there.  i will.  
and then i will maintain.  i will.

Source: wendymiles.myrandf.com via Wendy on Pinterest

i am currently reading and studying chris powells new book choose more, loose more for life.  if you have a ton of weight to loose or just a little even, it is a great read and great motivator.

here i am again.

i've struggled with weight my entire life.  (ugh, there i said it) i know more about nutrition, diets, eating right, healthy weight, incentives, the list goes one because my entire life...it has been my life.  

i have ran a half-marathon.  i have trained hard for that half-marathon. and i have felt the feeling of crossing that finish line.  the feeling of having legs that feel like they might just turn into spaghetti with one more step.  but better, the feeling that you just ran 13.1 miles and no one can take that away.  and even better, knowing that to run that far means that you have to be in good good shape.  

i have been there.  

Source: therealityofskinny.tumblr.com via Connie on Pinterest

now i am here.  here where i need to loose weight again.  it's the most frustrating thing. ever.  if you have ever been in my shoes, you totally understand.  

it.  is.  so.  frustrating.  

i have always always let it hold me back.  i know for a fact that my chosen profession was mostly determined because i knew that children and families that you care for are going to love you no matter what.  and if i wasn't a super model or even just "normal" weight, the love is unconditional.  when i met brad, i was at my smallest weight to date.  and i am pretty confident god is in the details.  details like he knew that i would have never ever even dreamed that brad could have been interested in me if i looked like i see myself.  

like i still see myself today.

but this year, i have decided i have to get it together for once and for all.  i have got to let weight stop defining me.  i have got to stop hiding behind it.  i am worth more than that.

so i am doing it again.  only this time for good.  i know it.  i don't want to have to write another post like this.  i want to write another post telling you that i did it.  

that i am proud of who i am.  

proud of what i look like.

i want to be pretty.  

to feel pretty.

Source: ahlanlive.com via Beth on Pinterest

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on the way home from new years, when brad, bessie and myself went on a little ski trip where we didn't ski...bessie and i talked and talked and talked til we came up with this plan.  

with the help of the fitness pal app on our iphones, we were going to track our intake daily.  (do you have the fitness pal app, have you heard of it?  it is awesome.) and keep each other accountable.  

i need that.  

i have always done it alone.

because with my weight comes guilt and shame.

so i force myself to feel really alone.

accountability.  

Source: myfitnesspal.com via Clarissa on Pinterest

and we decided to make it a game (kinda).

here are the rules:

we have to workout five days a week.  no excuses.  five days.

we have to record all of our food on the fitness pal app.

{we can see each others progress this way}

oh crap.

then {the good good stuff to keep us going...}

after four weeks if we both did our part (eating right and working out our five days) we get a reward.  

if one of us messes up and doesn't do our part, then neither of us get the reward...

bessie better get to the gym.  thats all i'm saying. 

rewards thus far:

january - arrington vineyards afternoon

february - facial/body treatment we wound't normally do.

march - new workout outfit (helloooo lululemon!)

{and i think we will just repeat these to some degree after march}

i am so excited about march, not gonna lie.  

Source: believe-toachieve.tumblr.com via Karen on Pinterest

my body is starting to feel the results too.  not only has the gym become a habit again, but it is so fun entering and keeping track of the food i eat and then watch as the scales cooperate with the plan.  so i'm a little OCD...

i have a personal goal (and it's a secret) that i want to be at by august. 

if i get there, trust me...you gonna know.

if i get there?

oh, i am sooo gonna get there.

Source: doctoroz.com via Jessica on Pinterest

so here's to me?  yes, me.  

and that's okay.  

because gosh darn it, i am worth it.

(did you see the SNL when michael jordan had to look in the mirror and say "and gosh darn it, people like me?"  ohhhhhhh my lord, it was hilarious. and just like that i am completely off track...)

help a sister out.  tell me what you do to stay on track.

download the fitness pal app and let's be friends.

i'm jessicamorrison on there.  

Source: allwomenstalk.com via Chelsea on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Jen on Pinterest

happy thursday, my favorite friends.